Questions?

Funmi as much as my husband and I love to have sex how can we handle the  prevailing obstacles, we are  both tired, our own kids are light sleepers, I am not happy with my  weight, I am  stressed out over deadline pressures at work in short there is no time.

Mrs Onoso O*******i

Funmi Akingbade:

There are many reasons why couples find themselves reaching for the pillow or the remote control instead of their spouse’s body after the sun goes down. But a healthy sex life is a key part of an intimate relationship and neglecting it can push the two of you further apart. Sex is so important to the overall health of your relationship; to prioritize what’s important to the two of you is very important. But first of all you have to rediscover each other without pressure, make out for space and time where you can escape and get creative, even if that time is in your house (or car, or backyard). Plan a quick trip to any nearby eats out for lunch during your afternoon break, make sure the venue is not too far from your office let it become a habit, and you’ll feel reconnected, and the desire will just grow from there or take a break for a romantic encounter so as to reconnect in a non-sexual way. Once you’re reconnected in this way, a quick sexual encounter may regain its excitement. Then find a practical way to spice up your sex life try a different place, a different time, a different position, have a morning quickie. Try sex in the shower, or on the kitchen remember to clean up afterward.

For many years my father suffered from erectile dysfunction to the point that my other entire sibling where fathered by his younger brother from an extended family. My father told me in secret that he inherited it from his father and believed that, it is better for his younger brother to father his children that for him to own up that he has impotency issue. I am in my early 20’s my question is that is this truly hereditary and what can I do not to repeat this?

The worried son

Well impotency or erectile dysfunction is not hereditary. The things that could be hereditary are the causes of E.D which could be hypertension, diabetes mellitus and some other cases, and if an individual from such linage observe a very good early healthy life style, the possibility of not repeating the same mistake is guaranteed. And for men with a diagnosed E.D one way to improve erectile dysfunction is to make some simple lifestyle changes. For some men, simply adopting a healthier lifestyle, such as quitting smoking, staying off artificial food items and drinks, reducing stress and exercising regularly may be all that is needed to find relief. Exercise regularly this help to strengthen the heart, build energy level, lower blood pressure, and improve muscle tone and strength. Strengthen and build bones. Help reduce body fat. Help reduce stress, tension, anxiety, and depression. Boost self-image and self-esteem. Improve sleep; make you feel more relaxed and rested. Make you look fit and healthy. To get the most benefit, you should exercise at least 20 to 30 minutes, preferably on most days of the week.  For those who require more intensive treatment, adopting these lifestyle changes in addition to other treatments can further help. In fact there are lots of natural herbs that help give this social killer a one off cure, please contact me. Lastly do all you can to reduce stress, when stress persists, it can affect the body and illnesses can occur. The key to coping with stress is to identify stressors in your life and learn ways to direct it.

My husband tells me he often thinks about sex during the day, but I never do. I don’t think I’m a very sensual person. I like being close to my husband, and I almost never turn him down when he initiates sex. But truthfully, I’m never in the mood. Should I just accept the way I am, or is there something I can do to become “sexier”? 

Sho***u A******c

Funmi Akingbade:

Sometimes for some couples there’s more to being sexy than erotic daydreams. For a wife to accept and enjoy her own sexual feelings in response to her husband’s advances is a wonderful expression of sexuality. Developing a level of trust and safety in the context of sexual play is another. That’s expressed in being naked and unashamed, wanting to give your body to your husband. Even the simple act of touching your husband affectionately is a sexy behaviour. However, if you don’t enjoy sex or are not usually orgasmic, your satisfaction level may increase by adding some sexual thoughts to your day. Thinking about your most romantic and sexually exciting experience just before your husband comes home can increase your level of responsivity. Most husbands want to feel needed sexually. Although you may never need your husband sexually as much as he needs you, but your occasional initiation of sex can be rewarding in deepening your oneness. Do it as an act of the will, motivated by your desire to give love.

I recently start feeling funny anytime I am with my woman my erection will not only fail and disappoint me but embarrasses me. I went to the hospital and was diagnosed to be having low testosterone my question is this, is this a reason for erectile dysfunction or what? Please what’s a “normal” sex drive?

– Abel Adamu

Funmi Akingbade:

Surprisingly, low testosterone by itself rarely causes erectile dysfunction, or ED. Low testosterone alone — with no other health problems — accounts for a small minority of men with erectile dysfunction. Testosterone isn’t the only fuel for a man’s sex drive and performance. But low testosterone can reduce your ability to have satisfying sex. Lack of sex drive and erectile dysfunction are sexual problems that can result from low testosterone. If low testosterone is the cause, treating it can help. Researchers haven’t unraveled the mystery of just how testosterone increases libido. It’s normal for a man’s sex drive to slowly decline from its peak in his teens and 20s, but libido varies widely between men. What one man might consider a low sex drive, another might not. Also, sex drive changes within each man over time and is affected by stress, sleep, and opportunities for sex. For these reasons, defining what a “normal” sex drive is; is next to impossible. Usually, the man himself identifies a lack of sex drive as a problem. Other times, his wife may consider it to be an issue.  Low testosterone symptoms don’t always include feeling like you have no sex drive. Some men maintain sexual desire at relatively low testosterone levels. For other men, libido may lag even with normal testosterone levels. Low testosterone is one of the possible causes of low libido, however. If testosterone is lowered far enough, virtually all men will experience some decline in sex drive.

I read in a caption ‘do not loss an erection but in my own case most of the erections I have had has been more of a pain and course than a blessing, I am a sickle cell patient though well manage but not sexually active before marriage. Shortly after my marriage I start noticing perpetual erections that take days to subside immediately after ejaculation. This eventually led to my wife leaving me to carry my cross. My question is does this have a cure. 

B***ufo I********e

Funmi Akingbade:

The medical term for this condition is priapism commonly called a permanent erection or an erection that won’t go away within four hours. In priapism, blood becomes trapped in the penis and cannot flow out this is a medical problem. This condition can be treated but if left untreated, priapism can lead to permanent damage.

Another persistent, long-lasting erection can result from some men taking or injecting  themselves with medication because they suffers from impotency, or from some disease that thickens the blood, making it impossible for blood to leave the penis after it has entered. Sickle cell anemia is one such disease. Other
medications can also cause priapism — for example: antidepressants, anticoagulants, and antipsychotics. Priapism is not only painful, it is potentially harmful. Doctors can now treat priapism without surgery, but the condition still requires medical care.

My husband’s idea of foreplay and sex is taking off his clothes and lying in bed. He barely touches my breasts, and I have to be on top every time. He won’t discuss trying anything different. I don’t know what else to do. If I want to have sex, it is either his way or no way. I find this so boring and it bothers me.

– A. La****n

 Funmi Akingbade:

Well, Lab****n I can quite understand your predicament. One had aspect of your husband’s behaviour (beside your frustration) is that he is unaware of the pleasure he’s missing out in the foreplay. From experience, I know that many men enjoy variety and they are not given to monotony, with regard to sex. You must be a satisfying lover for him to avoid foreplay. But I can assure that he will improve, if you draw this attention to the situation. You can write him a letter expressing your disappointment and explaining your need for more stimulation or really enjoy sex with him. Please you have to stick with your feelings rather than complaining about his behaviour. Tell him you crave more stimulation. Let his know that women have a slower libido response than men, and penetration in sex alone rarely sufficient to produce an orgasm. Most men also like to hear praise for their love making, so include affirmation for the times he’s brought you pleasure. Let him know he is doing a great job that is worthy of commendation and he deserves a beautiful gift. Don’t just assume that you are the only one that needs a par on the back; he must be feeling that way, too.

A second approach would be to seduce him unexpectedly. Be assertive in your foreplay, telling him how excited you are. Maybe his arousal will give him a taste of what he’s missing. Some wives we’ve known have met their husband at the door in a sexy night wears or kidnapped him from work and driven to a romantic spot. Changing the routine adds adventure to your sex. Take the charge and talk about your desire for him and how great it feels when he caresses or kisses your whole body!

A third, more drastic response would be to take a sabbatical from sex until he’ll listen to your feelings. But I think that should be the last resort. I have seen cases whereby some husbands have problem with premature ejaculation. When they are afraid, they want quick sex to avoid embarrassment. Perhaps your husband was heard somewhere that women like to be on top during the act just to assist clitoral stimulation, and since foreplay may cause them to climax too quickly, he just feels safe sticking to that position.

“My husband does a stressful job and, he is having a problem with impotency I wonder if that is having an effect on him. My husband is discouraged I am also disturbed as well. I miss the intimacy of sex, and my husband is disappointed in himself just because he cannot perform.

Maria M********f

 Funmi Akingbade:

Sex is a vitally important area in marriage, so it is worth facing this situation head-on. Your husband needs not to feel embarrassed or frustrated at all. Reasons have been that help is within arm’s reach. Sometimes, his condition may just be pre-mature ejaculation or weak erection or erectile dysfunction that is his challenge and not outright impotency. In addition, do not assume stress is causing your husband’s impotency; physical disorders such as diabetes mellitus, hypertension, or a hormonal imbalance are possibilities that need to be ruled out.

Various medications such as some antidepressants, antihypertensive, or diuretics, as well as excessive cigarette and alcohol consumption, also can cause impotence. In majority of men, however, impotence is triggered by psychological factors—stress, fatigue, state of hopelessness. If that is the case, your husband will have to find healthy ways to reduce or cope with his stress. In the meantime, do not allow impotency to eliminate your physical connection remember the great Cialis called 36-hours-of-freedom is still doing wonders.

Funmi I am an addictive polygamist, already with 5 wives and still counting. Although I have just 4 kids from my first wife and I have already made it clear to the other that I do not want more children. And if you are thinking about their welfare I do more than any monogamist out there.  But my problem is that of trust, you never can trust these women they may end up deliberately getting pregnant so I decide to do a vasectomy but my bosom friend thinks it a bad idea that my sex drive will go down after the operation is he right? Because the primary reason for my opting for it is to enjoy my sexual explore to the maximum.

Mr Life is sweet

Mr. Life is sweet, let me start by saying that vasectomy surgery won’t reduce your libido nor sexual prowess. You’ll still get erections and enjoy sex like you did before, except if you have had issues with erectile dysfunction prior to this time. Only one thing will be different after the surgery: your semen won’t have any sperm cell. What really happens during the operation is that the doctor cuts or blocks the tubes that carry sperm from the testicles to the penis. He makes one or two small cuts in the scrotum to get to those tubes. After vasectomy the body absorbs sperm, the testicles will still make sperm but you just won’t release them whenever you ejaculate and when the sperm cells die, the body just absorbs them, this also happens with other dead cells, too. Every dead cells in the body replaces themselves. Now if your primary goal is not to have more children you will need a backup-plan which is, you’ll need to use an artificial birth control method for a while. This is because it takes time for the sperm to clear out of your body. Sometimes you may need to ejaculate 15 to 20 times or more before all the sperm is gone, this could take 3 months or longer. A note of warning, after vasectomy; you might be swollen, bruised, or in a little pain. But with the use of few pairs of tight briefs to support your scrotum the swelling and pain will not take long time to go off. It’ll also be wise if you take it easy with strenuous job lifting and explosive sex while you’re recovering. You’ll be back to normal within a week or three. However a word of advice for you, no one is born an addictive polygamist we all are responsible for our life choice and it will be a good idea if you take a closer look at your life choices it actually determine our end.

Few years ago you made mention of how we can have a long clitoris by practicing a clitoris exercise. I did it faithfully for almost a year. But  now I have a big challenge, and the challenge is this ; every slightest touch to my clitoris, get me aroused and makes me want sex by all means to be frank with you I even masturbate. Even when I try to pack it with padded sanitary towel any movement get me sexually provoke it worst when having a bath, if I mistakenly run a hot shower on my clitoris I feel like having sex immediately. Should I get it cut off a bit or what?

Mrs Sal*****a I*******u

Funmi Akingbade:

Hi Mrs s*******u in as much as you took advantage of the exercise wisdom demands that things should and must be done reasonably. As soon as you noticed that the exercise had worked for you I would have suggested that you should has stop the exercise when you noticed you had a desire clitoral length. But for you to still continue the excises even after desired length would definitely put you in this situation you are now. Well you do not need to go get it cut the remedy is this wear a padded swimming suit tight panties regularly and do a leg and heel stretched exercise, within four mouths you will be back to average size.

Hi funmi you are the best please keep it up. I have good news for you. I am 61 years old husband soon to be grandfather just retired and am so grateful to God for this. I just want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. We have been married for 25 years now. My question is how do you advice I keep myself agile for her sexually.

Mr M*****y from Abuja

Congratulation may you livelong and witness better days with your heartthrob. There are just some simple habits you just have to stick to these simple habits contribute to a healthy heart. When your heart is healthy, you will be sexually sound.

You have to manage your blood pressure; high blood pressure is the most significant risk factor for heart diseases. Then you have to get active, getting moderate excises 30 minutes a day helps reduces the risk of heart disease. Also control your cholesterol; too much ‘bad’ cholesterol in the blood can clog arteries, increasing the risk for heart attack and stroke. Sir, you also have to eat better, vegetables, fruits, whole grain products and fat –free or low-fat products without many calories. Retires tend to gain weight easily, please work towards that because obesity is a major risk factor for heart disease. At this stage, you must reduce your sugar blood sugar level. This always lead to diabetes and adult with diabetes are more likely to have heart disease than those without it. Try and stop smoking and consumption of alcohol these increase the risk for heart disease as well as cancer and other disease. Note sir that getting drunk with alcohol does not enhance sexual performance but increase the desire for sex. Lastly understand your body language and know when to give yourself a sexual break to be the best. You can go on a leisure trip together with your wife.

Dear funmi, my last baby was very big, I had to be cut and stitched in the hospital, unfortunately, the stitching was poorly done, as a result of this I do have terrible pains any time am having sex with my husband what do I do?

Mrs Odi****o O****o from Sapale

Funmi Akingbade:

Please you have to see a gynaecologist immediately do not wait for a day or two see him fast. After your visit to the gynaecologist kindly make sure you do Kegel exercise, pelvic wall exercise and sit birth for a long time. Also take a lots of turmeric and garlic in your meals.

Funmi as interesting, educative and tempting  as your articles are but it doesn’t really cover those of us married folk who just don’t have ANY sex in our relationship anymore. They only thing I seem to have is frustrated arousal, regret and wishes each time I read your articles. Because in our own situation, my wife entered her menopause as early as 35 years old due to one aliment. Although at that early stage she did all she could to try and help out by using the oestrogen replacement pill for a while, she started with the pills went to the injection and later the patch but eventually stop because she was in fear of side effects. And as soon as she did her desires stopped as well, leaving me with no hope of affecting a change. She is just 37 years now but isn’t interested in any kind of physical attentions other than kissing and cuddling. So very sad that our 12 years of marriage has turned into more like a “roommate” union. As much as I love sex even more than food or clothes, I really look forward to it in fact I paid heavy dowry with my fortune to pick my wife, now I am left with a container with nothing inside. What can I do unfortunately I am a one wife person, I don’t believe in sampling women around.

Sa*** A***a R****n

Funmi Akingbade:

You sounded so final but I believe there is still hope for your sex life. First there are lot of natural herbs that will naturally replace her desire and stimulate her libido for good sex. But most importantly maybe there is really nothing wrong with friendship and affection in a marriage relationship, it is this friendship that breeds more affection and spike desires. I will suggest you keep at good friendship. If your wife really loves you she should be willing to accommodate your sexual needs even if she herself has no desire.

For me lately I am not in the mood for sex and to cap it all sex hurts and my husband is not cooperative at all so for sometimes now I have suffer in silence giving in for sex just to keep the marriage.

Mrs Obed B*****u

Funmi Akingbade:

For many wives not finding out their sexual trigger and pointing it out to their husband maybe one major reason for lack of interest in sex. So kindly find your sex trigger. Then sometimes it’s not that you’re not feeling in the mood, it’s that your body isn’t cooperating because sex may actually be painful. This can be a big issue for wives approaching menopause. It may be the sign of another health problem or behavioural issue. For example: anxiety and hormonal imbalances can all contribute to sexual dysfunction in women. In fact not getting enough sleep diminishes female libido so feeling well-rested can help. As women age, oestrogens levels decrease and this affects a lot of organs, including the vagina. When vaginal tissues atrophy and thin out, losing some of its blood supply, intercourse becomes more painful. Some wives describe it as like sandpaper. Vaginal oestrogens lubricants are very effective. There’s also the possibility that you may have a condition of the vagina or vulva that’s causing a problem, which is a key reason to check with your doctor should intercourse become painful. A dwindling libido may not just be a sign of aging, but no matter what the reason for your diminished desire, getting back on track with your husband sexually is going to take some effort. “Sex takes work and you have to focus on it just like everything in your relationship there isn’t a magic pill.

I have spots on my penis. There are some really tiny ones on the tip of my penis, and other spots that look like acne on other parts of the penis and the scrotum. What are they? Sometimes I feel pained and biting sensation on the tip and shaft of the penis. Why is this?

Playboy H*****y

These two types of spots are very common and not serious. First of all, they are not really spots on the tip of your penis but a natural secretion of the sebaceous glands, which can have a bad smell. It is important to pull back the foreskin from the glans and wash it every day. As for the penis and the scrotum, these small white spots under the skin are sebaceous cysts and are not serious. But if you experience pain and biting sensation you may likely have been infected with some types of sexually transmitted diseases, you need treatment fast.

My husband and I have a one-year-old son, and for months my husband has had no interest in sex. I am always the initiator, and he turns me down with excuses about being tired or having financial worries. I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone who made me feel wanted and beautiful. What do you suggest?

– Want answer

Funmi Akingbade:

There are lots of reasons a husband might lose interest in sex. Fatigue and financial worries are legitimate causes for many men. But you seem to connect his disinterest with the birth of your baby. Pregnancy and delivery of a baby cause more than just abdominal stretch marks and post-partum depression for the mother. New dads get their own set of psychological stretch marks that can make sex less appealing.

A father often reacts to the invasion of his space by a competitor. Suddenly he doesn’t have you all to himself. Here’s this other little male getting time at your breast. The baby puts new time constraints on both of you. Your focus of attention and affection may have shifted toward your son. And your husband knows that, as a father, he’s not supposed to feel jealous of his own baby. But subtle resentment can develop. Another factor can be a husband’s unconscious compartmentalization of “mothers” versus “sexual playmates.” As a mother, you’ve moved onto a sort of sacred, revered pedestal outside the category of woman who should be sexually stimulating. You may have encouraged this attitude if you wanted a break from sexual play after childbirth.

Talking these things through is best, but if he refuses, there are other things you can do. First, try to decrease his life pressures and financial demands, since these are the excuses he gives. Second, try to find out if he has emotional needs that have been left unmet since the baby came. Third, work toward regaining your figure and your playful availability. Fourth, make babysitting arrangements, kidnap him to some romantic spot and seduce him. Finally, let him know he’s still your hero. If you are wondering what it would be like to be married to someone “who made you feel wanted and beautiful,” you could be vulnerable to an affair. Please, please be careful! Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can listen to someone say how beautiful you are and not be lured into trouble.

 I always experience pain in my belly area each time I am about to ovulate, is this normal or am I infected with some sort of illness or disease or what. But the funny thing is that I always feel like wanting to make love, do you have any idea of what is wrong with me?

About a fifth of women can actually feel something happening in their ovaries around ovulation. This can range from mild achiness to twinges of pain. Some women feel ovulation as one-sided backache or a tender area. This condition is called mittelschmerz, it may last anywhere from a few minutes to a few days. If you notice these sensations at roughly the same time each month, check your cervical mucus.
Ovulatory pain can be a useful guide to when you’re fertile. Mittelschmerz (pain associated with ovulation) and a heightened sense of smell. Many women experience heightened sexual desire in the several days immediately before ovulation. Feeling sexy may all be signs that you’re at your most fertile. You may notice a peak in sexual desire at this time.

Hi Funmi I have been so unfortunate with marriage all because my mouth smell badly in fact I have lost potential spouse good women who ready to marry me if I can get a lasting solution to my bad breath they all run away because my mouth smell, one was bold enough to tell me that it actually stinks what can I do?

Funmi Akingbade:

One of the prime causes of bad breath is plaque, the sticky build-up on teeth that harbours bacteria. Food left between teeth adds to the problem. Try to avoid foods that sour your breath. Onions and garlic are the prime offenders. “Unfortunately, brushing after you eat onions or garlic doesn’t help either. Bad breath is just one of many reasons not to smoke. Smoking damages gum tissue and stains teeth. It also increases your risk of oral cancer. Swishing your mouth with plain water freshens your breath by eliminating food particles and stimulating saliva. Anti-bacterial mouthwashes may add extra protection by reducing plaque-causing bacteria. Try to also skip after-dinner mints and chew gum instead, because sugary candies promote the growth of bacteria in your mouth and add to bad breath problems. Instead, chew sugarless gum. “Gum stimulates saliva, which is the mouth’s natural defence mechanism against plaque acids which cause tooth decay and bad breath.

I am a man that believes in marital fidelity but loves to enjoy sex to any extend with my wife. But I have a big problem at hand my wife has lots of keloid formation all over her virginal this does not only irritate me but dammed my libido. As soon as I site the ugly cluster keloids my erection just goes down.  I encouraged her to go for surgery she refuses what best can I do I am starving.   

Sternly j*******

Funmi Akingbade:

A keloid is a bump of scar tissue that grows past a wound’s bounds. It may keep growing weeks after the skin heals. It more common in dark skin women, keloids can form anywhere, but often they’re on earlobes, shoulders, the upper back, chest, cheeks tip of the vulva especially in women that have undergone episiotomy cutting during normal vaginal delivery. They’re not harmful to sex they are just ugly if they are more than one. But if they become too big or itchy, it can be treated or surgically removed. Since she is scared of surgical removal all you need to do is see a dermatologist for some hormonal steroid cream that will gradually remove them one after the other. Besides she can also use natural home remedy cream like local shea-butter and aloe Vera plant. If she rob these 2 items morning and night on them they will gradually drop off, though it will take a while but it will definitely drop off.

Hello columnist,

I’m an ardent, reader of your column (sex and sexuality) on the pages of Nigerian Saturday punch newspaper. Over the time, I have found most of the issues treated very educative, informative and enlightening. The fact that you always restrict and direct your topics to couples gladdens my heart the most. You may not know you are helping many marriages. Even those who criticize your column being on the pages of newspapers are profiting from the invaluable points you make in the secret of their bedroom with their spouse. This is to encourage you to be focussed and not get distracted, let the emphasis continue to be directed to couples and couples only. However I have this question for you few years ago due to infections and a difficult childbirth experience, I had a terrible vaginal scar tissue and a damaged gland.  As a result, sexual intercourse was very painful for me. Because of the pains, my husband would always release prematurely. However, long after I was cured he cannot hold on his ejaculation for two minutes. I understand this is not his fault, and I also understand his need for regular sex but his premature ejaculation is embarrassingly getting out of hand. I dread having sex, because it so frustrating. My husband insists that if I love him I will keep on enduring, but should I keep enduring it out of love? Resentment is growing between us.

 Funmi Akingbade:

The idea of “enduring” sex for any reason could be distressing to some spouses. We human beings are created with such a marvellous ability for healing and I’m usually optimistic about the potential and probability for healing. Working through this type of problem can deepen your relationship. Expressing love to each other as you consider each other’s needs and difficulties can help you both realize how important you are to each other. The key, again, is communicating openly, tenderly and unselfishly. When we work to meet one another’s needs, our love for each other expands and deepens. I hope you will use this difficulty to let that happen.

Is there any such thing like a suppress orgasm, is ejaculation the same thing as orgasm.  Which is more pleasurable ejaculation or orgasm. Do small penis man experience the same satisfaction of orgasm like the big penis fellow? I am married to a widower who late husband has a bigger penis than I do this has given me much concerned  I have a feel that she would have love me to be bigger. And when I shared with a close friend he suggested that I should practise an orgasm supressed style, please how do I achieve such.

Oloruntobi B*******a J*****u

Funmi Akingbade:

You may be able to hold ejaculation for as long as you can but orgasm suppression may not be a reality because orgasms are designed in such a way that it is not only meant to please, it is also meant to be expressed at the inevitable stage. That unique sensation men feels during orgasm is the result of a few different things going on in the male body. As a man becomes aroused, blood rushes into the genitals, and muscles all over the body becomes increasingly tense. As that process intensifies, the heart rate speeds up and some feel-good hormones runs through the body. Finally, ejaculation brings that pleasurable release not only of semen, but also easing of all that pent-up muscular and vascular tension and excitement. Once that happens, most men feel a sense of relaxation. It’s through this entire process that orgasms are perceived as being a source of pleasure. So therefore ejaculation is the released of intense tension which product semen while orgasm is the excitement feeling of the ease of all the pent-up feelings. Both ejaculation and orgasm are pleasurable. Any penis sizes enjoy orgasm alike the only differences is the intensity and duration due to the fact that the muscle-tissue of the small penis is not as much as the big ones. There are better ways to increase the size of your penis than suppressing your orgasm. The mechanics of intercourse also play a key role in how men with small penis can experience a feel of bigness and intensified orgasm.

Hello funmi, my husband is an ardent reader of your column but he is not good at foreplay please can you re-visit the issue of foreplay?

Mrs M*****a from Bauchi 

This is building up each other’s excitement before the man enters the women. That is both husband and wife arouse themselves before the husband actually put his penis inside the vagina of his wife; and this is done by holding each other lovingly, caressing each other tenderly, deep tongue kissing, carefully fondling with each other sexual organs, touching and rubbing in a loving manner.

Let your spouse know your sensitive areas; for majority of ladies, it is the clitoris, the breast especially the nipples and let him know that it takes time before your sexual organs respond, especially the clitoris. Make him kiss and use his tongue to caress your breast, your nipples, neck, gently and lovingly, then later your genitals. As this goes on, the nipples of your breast are erected and the clitoris increases in size. Caressing should not be done in a hurried way. Only lust and self-gratification are done in haste because it is ‘stolen water’. Take the time to fully enjoy each other! It is important to understand the timing in lovemaking. There should be a gradual building up and intensifying of emotions and sensations. Do not stop or let up the stimulation once it begins, but continue in an ever-increasing manner of arousal.

The whole body of a loving couple is an erotic zone. For the man, the nape of the neck, the back of the ear, the breast, the armpit, the navel, the inner parts of the thigh, the groin, the pubic hair, the shaft of the penis, the eye of the penis are especially their most sensitive areas. All these should be or kissed tenderly or caressed gently with the hand and tongue of the wife. If the man’s skin is too dry, you can get a bottle of pears baby lotion and seductively rub both bodies; it will send sexual signals to the whole body. The female erotic zone include the base of the neck, the base of the hair, the lips, the armpit, the breast especially the nipples, the tummy, the navel, the inner parts of the thigh, the pubic hair, the clitoris, the lips of the vagina and the inner parts of the vagina.

All these could be tenderly touched and caressed with the man’s hands or the tongue. Caressing various areas of your partner’s body shows an interest in the whole person…

In foreplay, the husband and the wife should talk freely with themselves. They should tell each other what they want. While caressing one another without a rush, it is advisable for the wife to take a comfortable position with legs apart so that the man will be able to gently play with her genitals. As her husband caresses her, she in turn plays with his nipple, the shaft of his penis, the eye of the penis, the scrotum (some men like it when their scrotum is fondled with). A wife should lovingly participate actively in caressing, kissing and fondling with her husband’s body; while doing this, the woman becomes excited and produces fluid that helps to lubricate her vagina and makes entry of the penis easy. If the wife has a dry vagina, she may either use artificial lubricant, or use her tongue to lubricate the tip of her husband’s penis before the husband enters her.  This makes thrusting in and out very easy and painless.  Alternatively, she may lovingly tell her husband to use his own tongue to lubricate her vagina since the mouth is always wet with saliva. However, this must be done under very high mouth hygiene.

Husbands, most wives love the inner part of their vagina to be caressed with their husband’s finger; wives are advised to tell their husbands their sexual preferences and not be shy about it. But care must be taken by the husbands not to get the wives infected by dirty and un-kept fingernails. While the husband is ‘fingering’ his wife, the wife should give him loving direction on how she would love to be caressed with her husband’s fingers. The ‘fingering’ should be directed towards the location of the clitoris to get the clitoris stimulated and excited. Husbands should note that the clitoris should not be rubbed too hard; vigorous rubbing always turns the woman off. It also inflicts pains on the clitoris. Wives should tell their spouses exactly what they want without fright or guilt. I lightheartedly tell husbands that most African men do not know where the clitoris of their wives are located and when they invariably discover it, they caress it as if they are removing soot from the back of a stained cooking pot’ [chuckle].

As love play continues, your excitement will grow. Both of you will begin to breathe rapidly and your whole body will become warm. The wife’s vagina will increase in size and the husband’s penis will become harder, stronger and enlarged; and if this continues, without any interruption, the couple will reach the point where the vagina will be ready to welcome in the penis. If the husband has problem with immature ejaculation that may prevent deep satisfaction, the solution bellow can be adopted. Premature ejaculation is the act of spurring out of semen before the desired time.

Sexual duty at home is it the sole responsibility of the man alone or the woman or both? If my husband is not satisfying me sexually and he is blaming me for not turning him on what can I do?

Mrs A*****e F******* – Katangora

Sexual task at home is the responsibility of both married partners. I would suggest both parties seat down, make reappraisals, and reach a harmony without prejudice. Ask yourselves ‘what am I doing that is turning you off?’ ‘Which areas do you want me to improve?’ make sure that the environment must be a peaceful and calm one when both of you are not under any tension or stress.

I love my wife of 6 years, I sincerely do but my problem is that whenever I am with her I do not have a desire for sex nor have an erection I have to result in the use of some enhancers. But recently I am always been sexually attracted to other women to the extent of developing an affair with another woman which I do not like at all. I eventually stopped it but the same problem still persist with my wife how can I get to have erection naturally with her again.  I am in distress

– Pastor in distress

Funmi Akingbade:

 This is a situation common to couples who have been married for many years and even with that when such couples rekindle old flame they usually overcome such challenges. I think first and foremost you should work on your mind-set and start seeing your wife as your mistress. The truth of the matter is you will always be surrounded by other women who are not your wife that is part of life, you have to look for workable solution so as to maintain your sanity.

Another very important issues but which most wives take for granted is their appearance at home when they are not dress for outing. As couples age in marriage and age in life they may lose sight of the fact that people are visual regardless of the career, vocation, or profession. Because the beginning of any relationship involved visual attraction. Now, that may become a turnoff for husband and wife when this is not prioritized. Neglecting hair, clothing and makeup, not observing oral, vulvar, bedroom hygiene and have issue with good manners may become a major turnoff. I usually tell wives to pretend they are single and on that first date with someone new most of the time, this usually help to keep them equip with  fact, style and values of life

I still want sex badly at 82 years am I normal? Although I am not sure about my wife’s desire she is 65years. And I don’t think she is on the same page with me because she thinks we should have outgrown such by now, because she is always very dry and sex to her is so painful. Through our 40 years of marriage, I was always the aggressor  and the initiator and I could get aroused brushing up against her in the kitchen and up until now I still can but nor as frequent. In attempting to see if she was interested, I bought your book on sex for the elderly couples. I casually left it near her closet in the bedroom. I have asked if she found the book interesting and all I got was a questionable look and response. I am not physically attractive as I once were but I continue to look at attractive women walking about and my libido is still much active. How can I fulfill this desire without making a fool of myself?

 Old contractor

Funmi Akingbade:

To start with become a special unavoidable friend to your wife, shower attention and praise on her, talk to her in a way as if she is a young teenager who is in her first dating period. Show her open affection in such a manner that she will become embarrassingly happy continue this for days week and months, take her on a trip to places she has dreamt of and make a boost of it to your friends and her children, buy her the types of under wares she likes make her wear them in your presence praise her look while she is putting them on go to the extent of suggesting you help her wear them. Treat her like a baby even at that age cares  and massage her body while she is resting, insisting such  caressing is good for her continue in these gestures and before you will know it she will be the one asking for sex and not the other way round in spite of her earlier refusal.  This is because sex to a woman of any age is not only attached to their heart but also to their emotion. When you have successfully enter into the heart of any woman of any age you will easily enter her legs regardless of any prevailing situation or circumstances.